I sent some pieces of writing for Olivia to read. She sends me back a message “got them”. Nothing else after that- so I pry a little and send a message that says well?
She messages me and says “I found them confusing and like they jumped around a lot. I understood what you were saying and the humour is there but they are going to need revisions if you want anyone to be able to follow them.” Now I am upset, not because of the feedback which is crucial to my growth as a writer, I am upset with myself and how many times I do not make sense. I send Olivia a letter I wrote to my brain and I am angry at my brain. I am told that I should not swear when I write. “I know” I message back but, I am upset because sometimes I don’t make sense. I sit around and wallow in self-pity for a little while and I then I write something else and send it. Olivia messages me back; “I love that! It is so deep and focused. Do you find when you write on more serious things you can stay focus and it is easier for you than light-hearted stuff.” I message her and tell her “yes, the deeper thoughts come easier because there is too much of the light stuff rolling around in my head and it is all eclectic and I struggle to put it together.” When I am showering the next morning, I am still thinking about what Olivia said about deep thoughts. It occurs to me while I let the drops of water pound on my head that deep thoughts are calming for me maybe like it would be for a scuba diver. There are no waves or disruptions, sounds are drowned out. It is quiet and calm and a different place. Sometimes the night is like that too, it surrounds me and presses down and if I am camping or at a cottage I spend time laying on my back looking up at the stars imagining what the silence that hovers above me could be like to sit in. I spend time looking for shooting stars and am blessed and excited if I see one. I like doing this even with other people because no one speaks- we are always too awe struck to interrupt the silence and possibly miss a star falling leaving a glorious tail behind it. I think about my brain and going deep with my thoughts, it is quiet deep inside and calm. I think this while the water pounds on my head and drowns out every other morning sound. I like this too, it is like cheating to hear a rain storm for me. I can focus with the rain on my head or splashing hard on the ground- that is all I hear. Everyone goes inside or takes cover, I stand on my porch or under shelter and don’t speak, I just think. I can think during those times when other noises are silenced, I can think deep, I can go inside my head to a quiet place and pull out my thoughts. When noise is around me, it is like a windy day at the ocean with waves that never finish before the next one starts, it is chaotic and noisy and crashing and never ceasing. The water is murky and small pieces of debris swirl and drop and float- these are my lighter thoughts. They are busy, swirling and a different part of me that I have to pause to find the beauty in, much the same way I can stand at the shore of the ocean on a windy day and revel in the magnificence of the confusion and noise on the surface knowing that far out and down deep, it is quiet, it is calm and unaffected by the chaos above.