Wedding Reception- On the Edge of Longing

Wedding Reception- On the Edge of Longing

On the edge of longing…

I found myself on the edge again. The edge of the crowd, the edge of the dance floor, the edge of the conversation. I saw people, acquaintances, family and old friends- some of us had been separated by distance, by hurt, morals and ideals. A few had been around, always steadfast in loyalty as a friend or family. Sometimes it was awkward and I would smile the first few times until I could build up the courage to speak. I wondered if the first few times that I smiled and they smiled back if they were thinking the same thing as me because no one spoke. We went through the “I see you smiling and I will smile back ritual” for a long time. It is lonely on the edge, it is frightening for me on the edge as my brain takes over and makes up all kinds of stories about why people are just smiling at me and not venturing over to make the first move into a polite “nice to see you again conversation.” Eventually, I fulfilled some obligations of saying hello-nice to see you. Mostly, it was routine. Everyone was smiling-but, I found I needed to remind myself to smile sometimes when I was kidnapped by my mind which always wonders why I am not approached first for that “hello”. I did not want to appear like I wasn’t having fun, because I was having fun in my own way. I was people watching, people wondering, people learning. I do understand that I am not extremely approachable and I understand why people would not want to make the first move. I am like a Whirlpool Hot Tub that is exactly the correct temperature for enjoyment- the water is swirling and rough on the inside and until you stick your foot into the water and feel the warmth- you are not certain. Once you do step in, you can feel that the swirling water wraps around you, soothes you and allows you to exhale in an oh… that feels good sort of way and the warmth is good- very good and you may not want to leave.  Leo and I danced some slow dances and if I closed my eyes and drowned out the extraneous noise, I could let him lead. He likes this, he likes to lead especially when I actually follow. Leo complimented me and asked if it was hard to do this and I told him it was hard and that he should not interrupt my thinking because then I may start trying to lead again. He became quiet and we danced and looked nice I am certain-even though no one could see the storm that was taking place in my mind because the surface was calm, dressed nicely with all of the finishing touches. One of the few times that I am not as recognizable as myself because as close family or friends say; I clean up nice. The evening carried on through the speeches and the dances and a few brave conversations that I was finally able to manage. Most of the evening though, I stayed on the edge of the dance floor, the edge of the party, the edge of the conversation. When we got home, I thought to myself “that was a nice party and I had fun but, I am so relieved to be safe at home.”

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